week 3. my big fat failure of a healthy weekend.
well, i made it to the gym 4 times last week! i was pretty impressed with myself. and up until friday i ate very well. theeeen came the weekend getaway with my boyfriend. we were housesitting for his parents who live out of town and had the whole house to ourselves. things had the potential to be great, and very well could have been. but when we were almost there, he asked what i wanted to do for dinner. i had the option of saying “let’s go to the grocery store and make a healthy meal.” but instead my cravings took over. probably a result of going 8 hours without eating anything (shame on me), and next thing i know, im suggesting olive garden. He even asked me if I was sure! I made some excuse for how I can’t go my entire life without ever eating olive garden again, and maybe that was a valid excuse. but there was no excuse for what and how much i ate. it was a free for all. i ate until i felt sick. as soon as we left i was feeling sick, guilty, and my boyfriend was giving me an ‘i told you so.’ that i totally deserved.
The next day, we made smoothies for breakfast with his parent’s super amazing magic bullet. They were delicious. And then we went to the store and got everything we needed for a fantastic and clean dinner. The food was great, even though I sliced off the pad of my thumb cutting the sweet potatoes (and yes it still hurts!) We made whole wheat tortilla turkey burgers with avocado and baked sweet potato fries. The day was a clean eating success……until we went to visit our friends at their new apartment. We were confused about our visit and didn’t realize they were making us a nice sit down dinner. I could have spoken up, but I felt so rude refusing to eat the lasagna that my friends worked so hard to make. after the lasagna they even made us cake. i suppose at this point i had given up. i’m not going to lie and say that i didn’t want the cake, because i did. even though i knew i didnt need it. even though i knew it would make me sick. i had that irrational conversation in my head that goes something like this every time: “well. you’ve already eaten too much, and this is your last chance to enjoy some cake so you might as well enjoy it!” this is the conversation that i find myself having all too often. this is the conversation that almost always gets me back into my old habits.
i am not making excuses for myself. looking back i had the control every single time to decide what i wanted to put into my body. and it seems like i just decided this weekend it was more fun to eat whatever i wanted. the rest of the weekend has a similar story. i ate things i shouldn’t have for pretty much every meal.
which brings me to now, monday evening, feeling guilty as ever. i knew when i started this it wouldn’t be easy. but i didn’t realize how terrible i would feel after having such a big failure of a weekend. it seems to me like if i give in once, it just makes it easier to continue giving in until i reach a point of giving no fucks about what im eating. and then i wind up right here again, with a terrible stomach ache and a self esteem at an all time low.
i really want to succeed at this. i really want to stop making excuses. im really hurting myself so much more by not changing. but i’m not going to look at it as having to start all over and having a new day 1 tomorrow. this is a journey thats going to have some ups and downs. i’m going to try harder. and while i’m disappointed in myself over how i ate this weekend, i couldn’t be prouder that i got my ass to the gym 4 days last week. it wasn’t easy, but i made myself do it. and i felt great when i was done.
so that’s all for now. tomorrow i will be eating clean and getting a great workout in. tomorrow i’m going to feel proud of myself.
